Why am I so jealous of women with "perfect" bodies? I try to convince myself over and over again...What IS my body? What IS a body? It is simply a vessel with which to live my life, to experience my breath, to carry out my heartbeat. If it CAN accomplish those amazing feats, my body should be perfect as seen through my eyes.
M. was flipping through television channels and there was this supermodel contest. Models paraded in tiny bikinis and videos of them in the background showcased their perfectly formed asses and breasts and legs and faces and tummies. The meat-market-ness of the whole thing was so obvious.
It made me sick. It made me jealous. It made me feel awful about myself.
I got up from the sofa because I couldn't take it anymore after ten minutes of watching that contest. He immediately asked me where I was going. I said I was going somewhere else to do something else. I said that I couldn't watch that show because it made "me feel inadequate." Yeah, those were my exact words to him. I heard him say that he wouldn't watch the show anymore...but I just went downstairs.
As I walked down those stairs I felt so angry at myself, at my stupid fucking insecurities...feelings that I wished I didn't have. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I went into the bedroom and tears welled up in my eyes but I didn't allow them to flow down my cheeks. I just wiped them away. I tried to read a book. I got through two pages before I gave up...because I couldn't concentrate with these fucking feelings poisoning me.
M. came down after me soon after...we talked again about my feelings.
I have to stop feeling inadequate about myself. I have to stop feeling self-conscious and unworthy and not-as-good as that girl or that woman over there with a flat tummy and killer-long legs and perfect skin.
Why can't I be satisfied with who I am and what I look like?
It's fucking pathetic.
I got to get over myself.