I do not want to write this entry but I am pissed.
It is not even worth writing about but I need to rant and vent.
The situation : I discovered a beautiful and worthwhile writing collaboration project and decided to apply. The owner of the site stated that the project was more-or-less already full but a few members might be accepted currently or in the future.
Attempt #1 : I filled out the application form and hit the "ENTER" key. The "hourglass" button was still actively blinking but the bottom of my internet browser indicated that the function was "Done."
Attempt #2 : I hesitated in doing so, but I re-sent the form. Same result.
Attempt #3 : I re-sent the form a third time. Same result.
Attempt #4 : I signed her guestbook telling her of my interest in joining the project. Same result.
Attempt #5 : I signed it again. Same result.
Attempt #6 : I e-mailed her. The e-mail definately went through.
Okay. Stop laughing. I know I was a dumb-ass.
I swear I thought that there was a possibility that her website might be experiencing technical difficulties. I did all of that out of sheer enthusiasm for the project.
I knew that 6 (!!) almost-identical items in her mailbox might irritate the living hell out of her, but I hoped she would just chuckle and be flattered that I thought her project and site was so breathtaking.
A few days later, I received a short rejection e-mail from her. She started off the e-mail with something like, "I received 5-6 e-mails from you." Very blunt. She then apologetically explained that the collab was just about full and that there were still many applications. She said she could not accept everyone into the project. She told me to take care and signed off with an XOXOXO and her name.
I sighed and was obviously disappointed. I REALLY wanted to be a part of her collab. I admired its grace and beauty.
I knew I was turned down by some or all of the following reasons :
-I didn't own a personal website. I only had this diary page.
-My writing was not good enough. (Although I think it is).
-I annoyed her with those 6 forms/e-mails.
-She really couldn't accept everybody...she needed to be very selective. Only the best.
And.
I understood. I didn't hold a grudge.
It wasn't meant to be.
Onward, you know?
But this morning, I was looking through her site again, just wishing I could have been part of the project. I spotted her Livejournal and read through some of her recent entries.
And then I found this : "...i don't like being a 'judge' of other people's work. sometimes it's ok. like when someone sends me 6 identical fucking emails. or when it's obvious they are kissing my ass. then it's ok. or when i find hate-induced writing, or close-minded shit on someone's site...but mostly, it's a lot of really nice people..."
When I read those words, I wanted to dig a hole and hide in it. Who ELSE could she have been referring to about those e-mails? Maybe some other people did the same thing as I did...too much lame-assed enthusiasm. But, it was probably just ME.
Then I got mad. Fucking angry. Yeah, it's her journal...her thoughts...but STILL...she described it as "fucking emails" and "but most likely, it's a lot of nice people."
Excuse me???!!!
I am sorry I was so gung-ho-excited about the opportunity to try out for the project. I am sorry you had to lift your finger to go through and delete my 6 e-mails. I am sorry for annoying you. I am sorry for inconveniencing you.
But more than anything...
I was fuming at her words because...
I AM nice.
Beyond nice to most people I encounter.
And moreso, please DON'T lump me into the same paragraph as those who have "hate-induced writing, or close-minded shit." I don't appreciate it.
And fuck NO...I was NOT kissing your ass if you were referring to me. I complimented you on your site. I didn't intend to butter you up in any way. Give me some credit...I am not THAT desperate. You're not THAT cool.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I don't want to be a part of your project anymore. I won't even visit your site anymore. I am sure you will be pleased. Who am I kidding?? You won't even notice or care.
I'll take my friendship, words, heart, and creativity elsewhere.
Okay. End of rant. It is petty when I think about it and so insignificant in the scheme of things. I just needed to say it and type it out in black and white because she made me angry. And I DO hold a small grudge against her NOW. And that grudge will stay for a long while. And if you know Scorpios like me, you know that when we love someone, we LOVE someone deeply...and if we form a grudge...we KEEP a grudge for a long time.
But still...I sort of feel better now.
And onward I shall go.