I get mad at M.
Of course it happens.
Like yesterday.
In the morning before I took my shower, I went upstairs into the living room and asked if he wanted to "cuddle."
I am sure you know what I was hoping for.
He looked all gruff, shook his head, barely looked at me, and said, "No."
I said, "Okay."
I started walking away and he quickly asked me, "Where are you going?"
I said, "To go take my shower."
And then I left the room.
I didn't take my shower yet. I went downstairs into our bedroom and gathered up my clean clothes for after my shower. I just laid in my bed under the blanket for close to 15 minutes. I half-hoped he'd come and hold me. The other half was angry at him.
Finally, he did come downstairs. I heard him turn on the computer in the other room. I came out and asked him again if he wanted to come into the bedroom and "cuddle."
He sat in his desk chair, glanced at me and again said, "No."
I asked, "Why not?"
He said with a sort of annoyed and mean look on his face, "Cause I am already out of bed."
With that, I went into the bedroom, got my clothes, and walked quickly back upstairs without another word. An air of hurt and anger followed my movements.
I wonder if he noticed.
Or cared.
I went into the bathroom, closed and locked the door. I started crying. Tears pouring forth, face turning red. I felt alone, unwanted, unattractive, undesirable.
"Fuck him. I don't need him. Fuck him."
I repeated those words to myself angrily, sputtered them from my lips. Looked at my reflection in the mirror and wiped away my tears with the palms of my hands.
I said those words aloud and in my head, all the time not really meaning them...knew that they were untrue.
I then heard him immediately coming back upstairs again.
I guess he didn't feel like using the computer anymore.
Or perhaps he DID notice.
Perhaps he DID care.
He knocked on the door and asked, "What are you doing? Are you taking a shower?"
I shot back in an annoyed tone, "What ELSE would I be doing?!"
He quietly replied, "Oh okay."
And then I heard him stay outside in the living room all throughout my shower.
Yes. It did make me feel better. So much better.
After my shower and throughout the rest of the morning and early afternoon, I gave him more or less the semi-silent treatment. I didn't want to...I NEVER want to...but I cannot help it sometimes. Especially if I need and crave and desperately need his love and attention and he doesn't give it to me for whatever reason.
Maybe he was tired.
Maybe he was annoyed for some reason.
Maybe he needed private time to himself.
Maybe he didn't feel like it.
Maybe it really WAS because he got out of bed and didn't feel like laying back down.
It could be any or all of those possibilities.
It didn't change how sad I felt though.
I still felt alone. Unappreciated. Unwanted.
Things changed around mid-afternoon. I hugged him at the computer. I smiled. He smiled back, nuzzled me. We laughed. We drank coffee together from the same cup. He showed me how to save a page that supposedly could not be right-clicked upon and saved (you know...the "don't steal from me, my pictures, or my html" type of protected page). Hehe. EVERYTHING and ANYTHING can be saved and viewed. Hehe. Yeah, I am naughty.
When I went into the bedroom tonight, he was still in the midst of reading a book. I got mad again just a little because I wanted to "cuddle." I needed his love and touch so badly.
Finally, after a half-hour of waiting in the darkness of the bedroom, he came to bed. I pretended I was already asleep. He slipped under the covers and started to hold me, embrace my body. I swooned and returned his passion.
And yes...at long last...we started to "cuddle."
And it was unbelievable.