I will attempt to describe this feeling I experience every once in a while. The feeling is a bit intangible to grasp and illustrate with words, but I will try.
First of all, I am so comfortable with M. We have been together since April of 1997. When I see him I feel warm, happy, and totally loved.
I catch myself now and then though...with this peculiar and utterly wonderful sensation when I see him sitting next to me...or while he is standing by the doorway of our bedroom...or while his eyes are closed and ready to drift into slumber...or while he is pumping gas into our car at a gas station...situations like those and so many others.
This feeling lasts a few seconds...a minute or two at the most...and occurs out of nowhere, totally unexpected and spontaneous. It catches me off-guard. I will look at him or notice him...and for a split moment...he is like a stranger. A stranger, but a vaguely familiar one.
The last time I felt this was a few weeks ago. I was laying in our bed with the lights turned off. Some light was streaming into the room from the open bedroom door. I just happened to look at the doorway and spotted him standing there. He was staring at me with a smile on his face. I was taken aback. I did not expect him to be standing there at that particular moment. I noticed his presence and in that doorway at that moment...he was not my M. who I was so comfortable with...who I have known for almost four years. The person standing in the doorway was an unknown man...a deliriously handsome and desirable man. A man who was staring at me...wanting me...loving me. And for those few seconds or minutes...it is as if I am meeting him...laying my eyes on him...feasting my senses on him...for the very first time.
When this feeling captures me, I feel shy towards him...a bit self-conscious, but in a quietly exhilarating way.
The feeling then slowly melts away...and I see M. there again with me...my precious M.
I smile to myself.
I smile to him.
I emblazon the feeling in my memory.
And I reach out my arms to him...for him.
And then we embrace.
Simply awesome.