February 2001 Collab for Just Another Collab:
Lies
Little "white" lies. They are supposed to be harmless, barely wicked. Lies that tarnish the invisible halo over my head just a bit. However, I have never heard of "black" lies. I guess that lies ARE lies. I have lied in the past and most likely will lie again in the future. But, honestly...they are really WHITE lies, if they actually exist. Hopefully they do. Hopefully there is a real differentiation between really awful lies and the lies that sort of just roll off your tongue and your actions. It's wishful thinking on my part.
I am not going to delve all detective-like into the miniscule lies I've dropped here and there throughout my life...they really ARE unimportant in the scheme of my life. What I WILL describe is the lie on my transcript...the educational sort. The sort that officially pronounces that I had a "B" in college Biology when in reality, the transcript posted in my mind knows the truth...that the alphabetical letter needed to jump a couple of steps ahead to a "D" or perhaps even a "F."
Freshman College Biology was difficult. Very difficult. I was not alone in my desperation. Ask any of the students that had those two professors. Notes and notes and notes. Illustrations upon illustrations. A hellish-sized textbook and a just-as-tedious study guide that accompanied it. Stressful lab assignments. But it was the exams. The tests. The multiple choice questions where every answer seemed correct. Or incorrect. The short essay parts that made you rack your brain cells in frustration and anxiety. I did well in high school biology, but this college class was excruciating. I was at a loss. Studying just did not help my situation. I've heard of students failing this course and passing it elsewhere in more prestigious colleges and universities. The same course was easier elsewhere. Who knows why? Better professors? Better formats? Better teaching?
All I knew was that I might have failed that class. There was one opportunity I had though...being that the final exam was cumulative...meaning that if your grade on the final exam was higher than all previous tests, then you would get that final exam mark for the whole semester. I had one chance to make it...to pass that class. What did I resort to? You got it...plain old-fashioned cheating. And cheating of the nastiest kind. The lecture hall is a huge auditorium...the place where you took notes and tests. The connected seats had adjustable mini-desktops. I looked at my exam and sighed...in worry...in panic...in EVERYTHING. That "F" loomed in my mind like an insect. There was a girl who sat right in front of me. I debated. I really debated in my mind whether I should do IT...CHEAT. And I gave in to the devil side...the dishonest figure. The girl had her exam and answers in perfectly plain view. And. I copied every multiple choice answer she made. One by one. Until the very end. I answered the essay parts myself. I knew I would pass that exam and the class because she just LOOKED like the intelligent, I've-got-a-firm-understanding-of this-subject kind of person.
And guess what? I got a "B" for the exam which translates into the whole semester. It says so on my transcript. I knew I was right about that girl.
Yes I felt guilty. Sometimes I STILL feel guilty.
It was a "black" lie. To myself. To the school. To that girl. To my transcript.
But my life goes on.
That was probably the worse lie EVER.
It's not THAT bad.
Is it?
That Biology course was the ONLY class I ever cheated on in college.
While you are thinking about it, I have to shine up my halo.
And perhaps read up on my Biology.
Just because.
Just so I may someday earn that "B."
On my own.