December 2000 Collab For Interpretations:
Changes
The hotel room was dimly lit by the bedside lamp. It was early morning and the curtains were closed. My life in contrast had suddenly opened wide with love and promise.
M. sat on the edge of the bed and looked into my eyes. He reached out for me and pulled me close. I smiled at his face and weaved my fingers through his hair. He smiled back at me and without a trace of hesitation, he softly asked me, "Will you marry me?" I was taken aback. I was shocked. More than anything, I was overjoyed. My first words to him was, "Do you really mean it?" He grinned and said, "Yes. Will you marry me?"
Thoughts came rushing through my mind, my heart. I have known him for only three months. Three months of internet love. Three months of endless telephone calls, love letters, emails, and pictures. That morning was the first morning I had ever woken up next to a man. I had never been with another. He was my first.
Was he the "one?" Was he right for me? Not just for now, but forever. Could I know from such a short space of time? And my mind and heart both searched side-by-side for an answer that was already there waiting to be found. My lips formed the magic words, "Yes. Yes. Yes." I embraced him. My arms circled his head and shoulders and I breathed him in, almost not believing in the reality of the moment. Our bodies held on to each other fiercely for what seemed an eternity. We whispered our love and kisses were given and received with abandon.
What followed was pure drama for a little while. He lived in another state. We wanted to move to where he lived while he finished school. My parents gave me their blessing and then desperately snatched it away at the very last moment when he drove miles and miles to get me. They spilled forth love and tears and anger and the fear of losing their only daughter so suddenly. My other relatives wouldn't let me go as well, thinking the whole idea was dead wrong for me. M. was angry. And more than anything, he was hurt. He said that I was an adult and should be able to make my own decisions. I couldn't leave my parents then and there though. They would have been hurt beyond what I could ever imagine because I was always their daughter...the daughter who was always good...the daughter who never got into any trouble...the daughter who got good grades...the daughter who stayed at home all throughtout her life...the daughter who always brought a smile to their faces.
He left and I stayed back. He drove back home all alone. I cried all that day and dreampt of him. It would be another month until my parents gave me their true blessing to move in with him...a decision that was difficult for them and just needed more time to finally make. It was so painful for me to leave them and my brother for my new life, but I stayed strong, and so did they.
In our new life, there existed understanding, excitement, the thrill of being together, conversations that went on endlessly, and love. So much love. We got married five months after we first met on the internet, and within a month, I was pregnant. I went through simultaneous reactions...fear, nervousness, anxiety, joy, elation, and regret for not having used any form of birth control.
The emotions that exceeded all others were love, happiness, and excitement. I was going to be a mother. A mommy. A mom to a beautiful baby. Our baby was born...and it was like a long-awaited dream come true.
We moved back to my hometown almost a year after and have remained there ever since.
Every once in a while, I think about what would have happened if I had not met him that fateful..yes, fateful...night on the internet when we breezily talked all night about music, movies, and our lives. What if I hadn't overcome my extreme shyness and taken the first step and called him the very next morning, not once, but twice (he was still asleep during my first attempt), so we could hear each other voices? What if he never came to visit me? What is we never made love that first night we met each other in person? What if he never asked me to marry him? What if he did ask me, but I had said no? What if we never moved in together? What if we never got married? What if we never had our baby, who embodies our love, friendship, and committment?
My answer to all those heart-wrenching and unthinkable questions is, "I would not be who I am today." I would not be as happy as I am now with my family. I would not have such a beautiful family that is everything, simply everything, to me. I would not have experienced love...pure love...for my husband and my son. I would not have the absolute joy that my parents show through their faces and their actions when they are spending time with their grandson.
I would not be ME.