I like typing my journal entries on my new laptop. It’s twice as fun. It seems more private and personal since I can sit on my couch and place it on my lap and just type away. It’s definately more comfy. Our desk chair can be killer on your back after a while. Right now, my body is nice and cushioned. {:O) Make yourself comfortable too...this is going to be a LONG entry.
Here are two dream snippets I had last night. They are snippets because I cannot recall every detail. I just remember portions of the dreams.
Dream Snippet #1 : I am in a car in the backseat I think. The car is driving along a long street. I suddenly spot Enrique Iglesias standing at the sidewalk. He looks so cute. I feel wonderful and nervous. It’s Enrique!! I place my upper body out the car window and wave to him. I am smiling big. He waves back and smiles. It felt so incredible that I actually saw him in person. I was crushing on him bad in that dream.
Dream Snippet # 2 : I go into a store with the intention of buying something I needed, like food. I spot the magazine display. I walk over to it and scan the magazines. I notice 2 magazines with Drew Barrymore on the cover. She looked very pretty on the covers. I was like Oooohhhhh I want those. Then I remembered that I didn’t have my credit card so I couldn’t buy them. I left the store feeling disappointed. (I am wondering now how I was supposed to buy food with no money or credit card).
The following are dreams I have from time to time:
* It is night. I am trying to find my way back home. It is very dark. The streets are dimly lit. I am always walking on the sidewalk. There are endless rows of spooky trees lining the sidewalk and houses. I feel so scared because I am alone. It is so quiet. There is no one around but I fear that a horrible stranger or killer or monster will reach out and grab me. I fear that I will suddenly lose the ability to move my limbs. I fear that I will be rooted to the ground and be unable to escape any possible danger that awaits me. I decide that to prevent this and to speed up my journey home, I will skip. I will skip, but this is not an ordinary skip. My skips are almost like leaps. I skip, leap, and bounce. I can go yards in between steps. When I find myself able to leap, I feel some relief. I feel that I am able to protect myself just a little bit by being able to move myself quickly. I never get hurt by anyone or anything, but I am always scared and I try to be brave. I fear that something evil is out there and I must find my home before it reaches me. Sometimes, I even see my home from a close distance.
* I am at school. I have not yet graduated, but am close to getting all my required credits. (The following are school anxiety possiblities that I have experienced...I have a lot of these dreams. And they suck. They are awful. These dreams exhaust me physically when I awake. I could feel tired even though I had many hours worth of sleep.) :
-Not being able to find my bag. All my books and money and whatever else is in the bag. I freak out and try to find it...in the classroom, in the schoolyard.
-Having an important exam and realizing I have not studied for it.
-Having an exam and being unable to write answers that please me. Sometimes I cannot even write correctly. I cannot put down a sentence that sounds right. I will write something and have to erase it. This cycle repeats itself until there is almost no more time to complete the test. I feel so scared and nervous. I have to finish an entire test in the few moments I have left of the class.
-Not being able to locate a classroom I have to be in. I will wander around the school and try desperately to recall or find a document that states which room number my class is being held in.
-Finding myself in a classroom and realizing that I haven’t attended class all semester. I am far behind what is required in the class.
All the while, regardless of the situation I find myself in, I worry and worry about my credits. I worry that I do not have enough credits to graduate college. And in the dream, this is horrible and will affect my life immensely.
These two dream themes are a fixture in my dream/nightmare experiences. They occur periodically, every once in a while. I hate it when I have these two dreams.
I can understand why I have the college anxiety nightmares. Even though I graduated college in 1997 with a good G.P.A., I always felt that I hardly learned anything of use or value during my four years there. I concentrated on pursuing the final grade. I researched topics, wrote papers, studied for exams, interned at a few places, but in the end...I really didn’t learn anything. Fuck, it’s frustrating to realize that you didn’t get much out of college except a piece of paper called a degree. I knew that I should have taken advantage of the college life and the learning process. But I didn’t. I regret this so much. I also did not choose the right major/career/profession for myself. I am not really that interested in it. God, I am lame as hell. Duh girl...you are stupid for majoring in something just for the sake of majoring in something. Like I said before in another entry, I should have majored in computer programming or art. Computers would have been the best bet for me...being that I enjoy computers and the field and the popularity of computers as we all know are BEYOND HUGE AND EVER-EXPANDING. Art...I love art and artists and drawing...but the idea of relying on my art as a means of earning a living seemed way too scary and unpredictable. Thus, I disgarded the possibility of pursuing an art degree.
That is why I have these anxiety dreams. I feel that I have NOT graduated from college. Technically I did, but emotionally and knowledge-wise, I am still just a freshman.
And now, I find myself in a position I do not like. I am a housewife right now, which is nice. But when D. is old enough to attend school, what am I going to do?? Find a job in my field? Probably not. I am just undecisive. The search continues.