Things That I Am Scared Of
Dying and death of my loved ones. The unbearable pain of the emotional and physical sense of loss that I will feel. I think about it every once in a while, sometimes a moment or two in a day...what would happen if my 2 loves were not with me anymore? I could not live on...I couldn't. The agony and suffering would be beyond what I could endure. I would die. Die. I don't know if I could take my own life. I don't know if I have the guts to end my life. I don't know if I would have the guts to keep on living. And if there is a heaven, I could not take my life since I would not be allowed to be with my loves in heaven for all eternity. It scares me sometimes. The thought of losing the two most important people in my life. It makes me want to cry. In fact, I am crying right now as I am writing this. That is why I tell my sweetheart that I would want to die first...because I could not live life without him. I would prefer to die together, but then I think of my son...he would have no one to look after him or be with him in that loving parental way...I would not want him to feel alone. Oh god, I am crying even more...the feel of tears welling up in my eyes and the slightly painful knot in my neck and throat. I get scared when I think I will never feel his touch again..his smell..his deep voice...his embrace...his laugh...his smile. I get scared because he is my first and only love and will always remain that way, no matter what happens in the future. If I lose him, I will NEVER fall in love again. I will not be capable of it because I have always known in myself that I can only love one person and one person only. He is the one for me. Forever. I get scared if I ever lost my son...I cannot think of life without him...his huge laughs..his love..his mischief..his sweet voice.
I LOVE MY FAMILY. I am grateful for each and every day I live with them.